I recently read a god awful review written by Corban Goble over at Adequacy.net about an album I have also reviewed. I’m not concerned that Goble and I disagree. However, I am enlightened by apparently how little effort I actually have to put into writing a review. So I decided to re-write my review of Melon’s Never Eat on an Empty Stomach in the spirit of Goble since it seems much more fun and way easier. By the way, If you’ve never heard the band Melon, please listen to the audio clip above before reading.

Alright, here we go:

I’m going to be completely forthright; I’ve never heard of “stoner rock” as a genre qualification.

What do you get when you mix cliché prog rock, screamo, and The Foo Fighters? Well, obviously you get the band Melon who is aptly described as Stoner Rock. Now I’ve never actually heard of this thing called Stoner Rock, but I’ve heard of LOTS of other kinds of rock. So I’m pretty sure I’m qualified to judge Melon’s most recent album. Since their singer screamed a few times and the band’s genre is clearly in an awkward region between jam music and metal… I’m pretty sure he’s heavily influenced by screamo bands like Thursday, which is confusing because I thought Melon is a self-procralimed Stoner Rock band. They should really do their homework.

The vocals soar a little more when they don’t completely dive into the scream-o end [of] the spectrum.

As I’ve already stated, I have absolutely no idea what Stoner Rock is, but I’d like to believe it’s just like everything I hated most about Melon. Those parts include exaggerated guitars (you know, guitars that sound too much like guitars) and cliché progressive rock. Remember? I’ve heard a lot about this thing called rock-and-roll and even though this is clearly a different genre, it’s just like this other genre I’ve heard about.

Though I’m not sure what stoner rock is, exactly, I’d like to imagine the label is representative of the parts of “Never Eat on an Empty Stomach” that I don’t like…

Now, I really hate writing bad reviews (ignore the fact that 6 of my 7 reviews are negative), so I want to end on a good note. I LOVE how these guys chose to sell their album. Unfortunately, the album sucks, so it doesn’t matter.

Now, if you’d like to read a real review, click here. What I just wrote may sound overly sarcastic and harsh, but I honestly did very little exaggeration of what Goble wrote. It really makes me sad that this guy probably has more readers than me… Something is rotten in the state of music reviews.